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Why Don't they Just Leave?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKlkN_o0xVA
Leaving a violent/abusive relationship takes courage and support, however many women are not believed when report an incident to police. There are several reasons why it is so difficult to leave the relationship. The fear of being found is a very real threat, particularly when there is risk of you or your children being murdered.
Fear of Being Found
The sad reality is the majority of domestic disputes that end in murder occur when the woman is trying to leave the relationship. Is it any wonder, then, that fear of being killed or having her children killed keeps a woman with an abusive man? Many women who leave initially stay with a friend or family member until she can get a place of her own. It isn't difficult for her husband or boyfriend to figure out where she is in most cases. Even if she is able to remain hidden in a battered women's shelter, she can't stay there forever. There is the perpetual fear that he will find her, and this time he will hurt her or the children even worse.
Financial Dependence
Women who have young children to care for may not be able to make it financially apart from her abusive partner. He may not pay child support voluntarily, leaving her with literally nothing. If she is able to figure out how to sue for child support, it could still be a long and drawn out process until she gets it. The longer the abusive relationship has gone on, the more likely it is that he impeded her from working, denied access to credit, made her account for every dollar that she has spent and other mechanisms of control. Women can be abused at any socioeconomic level, but those who have little education or work experience have an especially difficult time. Without her husband's or boyfriend's income to rely on, the woman may not be able to make enough to pay childcare so she can work or go to school. Social programs can help, but again, help is usually not immediate or she may not meet the guidelines of various programs.
Worry about Losing Her Children
If the woman has children with her abuser, she may fear that he will fight for custody of them and win. The man usually has greater economic resources to hire legal help. Legal Aid is available for those women who meet their criteria and Centrelink can make emergency funds available. Even if it's clear that he abused his wife, some judges may overlook that if he never abused his children. While many family law judges still have a bias towards mothers in custody cases, having more money and an aggressive personality can work in an abusive man's favour. She may also fear having to send the children for visitation with her abusive partner and not being there to supervise what goes on. If her husband or boyfriend is also abusive to the children, whether mentally or physically, it is up to her to prove why they should not be left alone with him. Many abusive men are very 'great actors' and can act like the 'Father Knows Best' dad in front of a judge, only to turn back into their real selves once the show is over. If the abusive man is the father of her children, she may feel tremendous guilt about separating them. Most children love their parents unconditionally and may blame their mother for the separation. In order to survive, they overlook their father's abuse and take out their fear and frustrations on the parent who feels safer. This is a heartbreaking position for a mother to be in, especially when she is trying to do what is right to keep her children healthy and safe.
Feelings of Failure
Women are conditioned to be nurturers and the one who holds the family together. When her dreams of a happy, intact family give way to one that is abusive and torn apart, she naturally blames herself. This self-blame is on top of everything she has taken in from her partner. In addition to physical violence, he may tell her that she is ugly, lazy, a bad mother, a horrible wife, worthless or another type of emotional battery. When her family falls apart, she fears that perhaps her partner was right. It takes a strong woman to not accept the blame, and someone who has been abused for years is just not in that spot yet. These feelings may be so overwhelming that she is tempted to return to the abusive relationship just to get rid of them. She may have such a martyr complex that she somehow sees honour in being abused, so long as it keeps the family together.
Maybe This Will Change Him
If this is the first time she has left, the abused woman may hope that this is all it will take for her husband or boyfriend to come to his senses and stop abusing her. He may call, text or email her multiple times about how much he loves her and promises to get help. For as much as he has hurt her, the abused woman feels sorry for him and wants to believe he is sincere. He may also threaten to harm himself if she doesn't return. She feels responsible for his happiness and agrees to return. If she does go back, it won't be long before she is back in the abuse cycle. He has her where he wants her, so he can let down his guard. The reconciliation period when she and the children return home is really only the honeymoon period. The minute she does or says something he doesn't approve of, the tension will start building until it erupts in physical or emotional abuse.
Counselling
Another common tactic of abusive men is to agree to go to counselling together. Once there, he turns the tables and makes the sessions all about her problems. An experienced abuser can manipulate the most experienced of therapists into thinking he is a good person who is misunderstood and unappreciated by his partner. He can even get a therapist to believe that he is the victim of abuse and not her. This, of course, is a disaster for an abused woman. The victim is invalidated by the very person who was supposed to help her,If she already has a history of not being believed or silenced by other who don't understand the situation, it may lead her to a feeling of complete despair and resignation.
** Many advocates for abused women recommend that she get counselling on her own from someone who is very experienced in abusive relationship issues. If the abuse is not physical, it often takes several sessions with a therapist for the woman to even realize what is happening to her. She needs to feel like someone is on her side and believes what she is saying.
** Experts in domestic violence state that an average woman will leave her abuser anywhere from seven to twelve times before she leaves for good. Of course, some women have the resources to make the first time they leave the last time, but that is the exception rather than the rule. With all of these obstacles facing her, it can seem easier to just put up with it.
Reference
Nybride710